i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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