I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
