I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
