i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
