i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
