i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
