I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
