I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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