Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
