Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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