Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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