girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
