I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
