I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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