sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My dick has a subreddit
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
