So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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