life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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