I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
