so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
