Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
