i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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