my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
