I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
