she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
