My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
