this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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