You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
