I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
