i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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