I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
