Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
