Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
