i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Still dying that you shit outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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