I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
