My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
