Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
