hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
