Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
