how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
