so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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