You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
