I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Fuck appropriateness.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
