She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
