I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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