i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
