God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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