I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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