Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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