I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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