one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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