How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
