Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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