He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
