Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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