3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a hot homeless man
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
