Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
