I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
