I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
cat food counts as protein by the way
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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