If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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